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God’s up there reading off this long laundry list of girls Chamberlain banged and the guy behind him is getting all mad because it’s like being in line at a grocery store when you only have one thing and the guy in front of you has two cart fulls of objects. Wilt’s looking over his shoulder, like, “My bad, dude, it’s going to be a little wait.” I mean, don’t you think the dude who only had sex with his wife has some regrets if he died and was in line right behind Wilt Chamberlain? You’re the Babe Ruth of jerk offs.”Īnd while we’re on the topic, isn’t getting into heaven basically pass/fail? Don’t you want to be closer to the fail line than to passing with ease? If we’re all ending up the same place for all eternity, it seems like you should have some fun/sin as much as you can and still get your passing grade. You should be in the jerk off hall of fame with these numbers.
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But God does it and it’s perfectly normal?Īlso, can you imagine how long the line is at the pearly gates if every masturbation is recorded? God’s like: “Clay Travis, okay, wow, you have really jerked off a ton of times. If anyone else but God kept track of your sexual shenanigans while secretly spying on you all the time, he’d be in jail and have to register as a sex offender. But well done for not having vaginal sex, you kept that chastity belt on! 50 more Jesus points!”įuthermore, doesn’t it make God seem like a huge pervert. Do you really think God is going to be like, “Kaitlyn, okay, you didn’t have premarital sex so that’s 50 Jesus bonus points, but,” flipping through his chart, “I do see that you had anal sex with 32 guys and that you blew 74 guys. So let’s say you arrive at the pearly gates and God is flipping through your roster of sins to see whether you get to go to heaven. How many girls out there are morally okay having anal sex with guys but won’t have regular sex? Does this make any sense? I just really wanted to have regular sex.”Įxtremely religious people believe many dumb things, but this might be the dumbest. However, she would do LITERALLY anything else. Was recently talking to this girl who was against having sex before she got married.
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